you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
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