I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
