Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
