I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
