He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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