the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
