Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
