It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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