I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
