yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
