my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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