I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
