I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
