Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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