I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
