i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
