Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
