i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
you inspire me to be a worse person
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
