They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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