I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
