i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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