need another drink. this is the easiest way
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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