I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
