My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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