This is not my ceiling
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
