meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Randomize
