I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
