my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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