oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Randomize
