we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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