I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
