I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
