Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Randomize
