I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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