I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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