You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
