Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
