hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
