I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
