im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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