Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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