quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
