I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
