I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
