in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
