Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
