I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
