Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
