ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
