Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
