Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
