everyone is single if you try hard enough
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Randomize
