im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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