just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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