as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
