Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
