Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
