Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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