Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
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